Life in Combustion

Life. Living it.

2010-01-21T12:49:00.008+05:30

Silence is very scary. It being scary may just be an illusion of our minds. I can just listen to the sound of the keys, when i type in words. Nothing but it. It reminds me of a lot of things. Very random thoughts.

Life is so funny. You imagine things happening in your life with certain people in it, but then it gets amusing when those things happen with other people you already know. Life is not so complicated after all; it is we that make it so complicated. Troubles, problems, obstacles, hurdles are just like those 1-Ups and Bonuses we get in Video Games, to make us more stronger, mentally and physically. It is in the nature of things and life itself that we must fail, that difficulties should come, because then what is the whole point living a life.

I always wondered why i couldn't get things that I always wanted in life. There are two ways to get things that you want. One is that, work your ass off for it and you'll get it. The other is, just hope you get it. You're one lucky bugger if you get it. But what is the role of Luck here? How does one define Luck? Is it preparation + opportunity or just some fate scribbled on your forehead? Or does Luck even exist? Perhaps it does, somewhere in our minds. We think we're lucky if we almost missed getting hit by a speeding van, when crossing the road. Are we lucky or is it just a warning from somewhere to watch out when you cross the road, and not to watch other things.

Life is all about how you takes it. Life has nothing to offer. You have to make the most out of it. There must be a logical explanation for as to why something isn't a part of your life and that is very hard to explain. So, I guess it would better off not to know it but to just move on. Afterall, life has to go on. You cannot waste your energy on something that is not worthy enough. But is it the worth of things that we all look for or is it the thing alone that we look for? I guess it's relative to one another. What is a confectionery to one maybe shit to another. So don't bother about things that don't matter.

I never made a New Year resolution. It doesn't work.

Ten things I hate about myself that I’ll try to change this year.

1.) I’m a good liar.
2.) I’m not punctual and I'm very lazy.
3.) I complicate things in my life.
4.) I’m not street smart.
5.) I’m not book smart either.
6.) I don’t care about my German classes.
7.) I brood over my past.
8.) I have just a handful of friends who love hard rock or heavy metal.
9.) I cannot stay up late in the night or hangout until late in the night.
10.) I fall in love with the wrong, loser, lifeless, zero-passion, boring women.

They are just the top ten things on my list.

Random Ventings

2009-07-02T23:01:00.000+05:30

I don’t seem to get the facts right. Perhaps, I am unable to digest the truth. I need to detach from material distractions and inhibitions. They are trying to consume me from within. I need a source to alleviate me from this impurity of thought, this poison of mankind, this uncouth feeling that has been haunting my day and my night. I need to get busy, get lost, get away, get a life, realize what is the right thing to do and absorb the fact literally that I am being consumed, from within, by my own fears and obsessions. My blood is turning black, my heart feels heavy, and it is unable to beat with this pressure that it is bearing. I think I need to work on my commandments. I need to prioritize my priorities. It’s been long I didn’t organize myself. I am losing direction in my life. I need to get back to track. I need to think, act and be more practical. I need to understand that bonds are just material, they will break. They aren’t like ionic bonds that need a lot of energy to break. Bonds indeed can break.

I don’t believe that life would get better in some aspects. Those aspects are bound to remain that way. All I can do is to change my perspective towards it. I need to change the way I look at things. Your life is based on your acts. Your friends would like you to be the one you are – good or bad. I believe I have true friends. Well, there are a few that I can count.

Kill the obsession, kill the pain, and kill the feeling, the bitter, evil truth that consumed you. I had committed many mistakes and sins. I had never confessed for any of my sins. Why shouldn’t I do it now? Why should I? Well, it’s hard to analyze your messy situation, which never straightened up. I am no different from thousands of others who have faced such music like me. They might have been brave or some might have succumbed to the situation and did something stupid. I belong to the former.

Hate. Hate is not a bad word. It is not so hateful. It is rather sometimes lovable for people like me. I need one good reason to detach, get away, liberate from this sinister obsession that almost would have ruined my life, if it was not for my very underdeveloped self-control. You feel the intensity of it, weakening your knees, when your purview is too small to handle the pressure. You tend to stumble upon your every move. I believe hate is in-fact a relative term. For instance, “I hate her, more than what you can possibly hate her”. It’s that way.

I feel things are very random in life. It’s your perception which makes them orderly or in a sequence, when you start believing things are happening the way they are supposed to. But, contrasting the above idea, I believe almost everything is practically under your control. It’s your choice what makes the difference and not some random chance you take. What really decides your fate is what you choose, but the question is, how precise can you be in making the choice?

The Liquor and the Cat

2008-11-04T23:47:00.003+05:30

It was 29th October. He rushed home from college and was look forward to one of the best night-outs he would ever have. A thousand thoughts ran through his mind. It kept racing. He thought of many possible things to do. He is Mr.X. It doesn't matter who he is, only the story does.

He brought an educational film from his friend for the night out. He, being an impatient film lover just killed the surprise of the video and discovered that the movie was. It was Mira Nair's most controvesial film ever made. Ya, that's right. You're right. He was expecting some real education.

He wished the time ran faster. It was 7:30, when he looked at the wall clock. He said to himself, "What the frock? Still 7:30? Kya mama...kya hai yeh?"

He started to fiddle with things around the house. He found nothing interesting in his room except for his lazy computer which growls when it starts and the obsolete visual display unit which flickers every 10 mins with red color patterns creating the exact effect of fireworks, illuminating the night sky of the very same day. What a doltish way of describing something which is already so stupid! He then progresses towards another room. He check out the cupboard first and finds something so majestic and magnificent that his eyes, for once were in a state of a dull lackluster life, suddenly sprang back to life, glowing brightly, vivified by the awesomeness of the object. It read, "Johnnie Walker Black Label Old Scotch Whiskey". There was another bottle which read, "Johnnie Walker Red Label". He had a peg each. He couldn't find much of a difference between the two but could distinguish the finesse in the taste. He closed them and hid them in the same place.

He never knew why he had tasted them. He never knew if he was doing the right thing. He never knew what they would taste like, until he finally tasted it. All he knew that it was warm and bitter and smelt like spirit. For a moment he felt proud of himself because he tasted the finest scotch whisky which was the favourite one of Sir Winston Churchill. But he still hated him for no reason. What a misanthropist!

8:15pm he reaches the nearest shopping mall and buys a shirt. He is shopping out of all the things in the world, at this time when he is being too much impatient. He bought it. His father doesn't like it. He's pissed and so is this guy. He looks at the wall clock again. It was 9:00 already. He finishes his dinner and leaves for his friend's house. He meets this equally raring friend and greets him.

"Dude, I just sneaked into my father's cupboard and had a peg of black label."

"Bastard, and you tell me now? Hop on my bike, we are boozing tonight", said his friend Mr.Y.

Excitement grew in him. He was going to taste something that he has never tasted before. He was going to have Beer. They stop by a wine shop nearby and decide who is gonna ask for the beer. Both, equally naive, reckless students in their late teens finally decide who will ask. So this guy, the focus of the narration, asks the wine shop owner.

"Bhaiyya, Budweiser hai kya?"

"Haan! Kitne chahiye?"

"Chota wala hai kya? Kitne ka aata?"

"Chota wala 45 ka aayega aur bada wala 80 ka aayega."

"Theek hai, ek bada wala de do."

They have it in their hands now. The reason for all the enjoyment, the ponch, the hangover and the nascent adulthood. The World's favourite Beer.

"Dude, let's put this in the boot space in your motoscooter."

"Okay dude."

"Dude, man arse is freezing. It's too cold."

"Just hang on for 20 mins dude."

They reach another friend's house, Mr. Z. They don't tell him that they bought booze. They ask him if they can drink(as if they are pros). He doesn't mind. They bring on the booze, refrigerate it and wait for it too taste it's best. They meanwhile, burst some crackers as it was post Diwali that day.

It's about 12:00am. They come back home, decide to get some biryani. They go to a certain Bar & Restaurant and take away some veg. and egg biryani. Mr. X is riding alongwith Mr. Z and Mr. Y is speeding alone. Suddenly a black cat comes out of nowhere and tries to cross the road. Reacting promptly to the situation, X applies both the front and rear brakes. The tyres screech along the road and he looks at the cat retracing back its path. The bike hits a stone on the road (it's big enough) and stumbles upon it. X doesn't see it coming because he was looking at the cat. All of it happens in a jiffy and wham! X and Z both are dragged on the road.

X feels something wet on his face. The black cat was licking his face. Yes, the same one. Z is still unconscious. X shoos away the cat and tries to bring Z back to consciousness. Meanwhile, Y who sped and went miles further away from them returns back. X and Y try and bring back Z to consciousness. Thankfully, no major injuries occur and they treat the wounds with some first-aid available. The food was safe as it was with Y.

They arrange the dining area and start to eat. X opens the beer bottle and pours half-pint each. Y tastes it first, doesn't like it. X tastes it, doesn't like it either. But X finishes the glass bottoms up. He finishes the rest of the beer bottoms up again. X has a mild high. His high goes very soon. They then finish the rest of the nightout. No, they aren't gays. Nothing of that sort happens.

The next day, although it's insignificant it becomes necessary to mention what happened to the liquor and the cat. X and Y leave for their respective homes. They drop off the bottle in a garbage can nearby. They see the same black cat, DEAD, on the road. It seemed like a carrier truck ran over it. So the Liquor killed the Cat.

Moral of the Story: Don't Drive and Drink. It kills Cats.

P.S. It's my comeback blog post. There were times when i fell asleep writing this.

Ocean Waters and the dirty Boss

2008-07-01T19:20:00.003+05:30

Name: Ocean Waters
Location: Airbag Industries LLC, California, USA
Profession: Senior Stock Control Officer

25th January, 2007

Hi my name is Ocean Waters. My father was born to his parents when they went on a holiday to an island, hence the name Waters. My mother was born to her parents when they were cruising on the Atlantic, hence the name Ocean. Well, pretty unusual for a person who sits on an office desk gets his morning coffee and by the time he takes a sip gets cold and tastes like liquid shit. Well, blame the work load or the coffee maker.

A major security breach occurred two weeks ago. A cargo reportedly coming from Haiti was smuggled into the industry. They reportedly contained a Chinese drug. The drug is so lethal that it kills you if your heart rate drops. You need to keep pumping blood and keep doing rigorous stuff and expose yourself to adrenaline stimulating activities like danger, fear and foreplay. There is no antibiotic for it. You survive until you keep releasing adrenaline.

I wasn't there during the check up and have no clue as to how they sneaked that shit in. I was called by my in-charge and head. Such a motherf***** he was.

"Ocean, we got a security breach. I want you to look into this matter as it is a major concern for the company. It is you who has to be blamed for. I want the traitor, alive."
"Sir, but I wasn't there when they smuggled that stuff. I was away on official work so how can I be blamed for?"
"Hell with your official work. Who sent you out to do somebody else's work?"
"Mitch Baker sent me"
"Fuck Baker. I am your superior. You take orders from me not from some bitch like Mitch."
"But, sir"
"No more fucking around. You don't fuck with me now Ocean else you'll see yourself being dragged in a sewer pipe of 500 yards of shit. Now go and get me that motherf*****."
"Yes, Sir" Yes, you motherf*****.

I started the investigation. Well, I didn't know where to start. I went to strip clubs, walked empty streets, kept an eye on homes with a high resolution 400x telescope that can increase or decrease its field of view. I saw people making love, man beating wife, kids watching porn, teens kissing but not a sign of the crook. Then I realised, whom am i searching for? Then suddenly the room I was filled with a eerie surrounding. There was a strange aura filling the entire room. It was like the northern lights. I felt as if I was on a space odyssey. Then the room was filled with a strange smoky odour that was very familiar to what my grandma used to use when she went clubbin'. The door separating the living room and the dining area opened and the smoke rushed to take the shape of a woman. I was at a distance and it looked very hazy because of the smoke. The form sharpened and could see a really hot woman with good "twins". I couldn't see the face but I felt there was no firmness in the woman's body as I kept observing and moving forward. I realised that she wasn't a hot woman anymore. Just an old lady with nothing to lose, came back as if a prophecy was coming true. I guess she took the form of an oracle to predict the unforeseen.

"Oooceaaan!", she called out.
"How, how do you know my name?"
"That's because i washed your ass and your pants when you shitted in your pants. Your father beat the shit outta your ass for stealin his money from his wallet."
"What the.... Who are you?"
"Your Grandmother, you dork"
"Grandma, is that you?"
"No, its Elizabeth Bathory who came to castrate you. It is very much me you shit head."
"What are you doing here? You are supposed to be in heaven."
"I took leave for a day to help you solve the mystery. God wasn't allowing but I persuaded him that you cannot do it with your bird-brain."
"Grandma you are trying to offend me."
"Oh shut up, you puny little piece o' crap."
"Aaaarghh!"
"Yea Yea!"
"Alright, so where do I start from? I have no clue as to where to look for and what to look for."
"You never had any clues."
"Yea, so help me then."
"The thing for which you look for is right where you thought it could have never been. Think for the reasons. Ask yourself why you had to do this, why you had to do that or why you had to go there instead of somewhere there."
"I didn't get you"
"Alright just think."
"Ok I got it. So what should I think about?"
"About how to effectively please a woman sexually."
"Grandmaaaaa"
"Then what, you punk. Think why you had to be replaced with someone else? Think what was the need? Is it that it was only you who could do that work or there was some other reason. Think!"
"So you want me to start my investigation from my office?"
"Yes"
"Alright, thanks grandma."
"Anytime grandson. Gotta go, god's getting pissed off there is nobody to press his head. Cya!"
"Well, oh ok...cya!" God gets his head pressed also??

I went to the office and checked the records for the person on duty who replaced me. No official records. They were missing. Then something just struck me on the back of my head. It was Mitch. It was he who did all this. It was he who helped the goods from Haiti to get in here. He couldn't do it when I was there because the report goes to my boss directly.

"Ocean, wassup?"
"Nothing much Mitch. Sup with ya?"
"I thought you could help me with this package delivery thing. You know the streets well, don't ya? I want this to be delivered very fast and no one here knows as well as you do."
"Okay! but what about the check up here. The goods are going to arrive here anytime now."
"It's gonna take you an hour or two to get back. Less chance for a check up. I'll make some arrangement for that."
"Hey, where is Stephen? He knows the lanes too. Its he who taught me the basics."
"Well, um..he is on leave today man."
"Oh! I see. Alright cya then, once I deliver the package."
"Alright, cya."

I met Stephen and enquired of he was on leave that day.

"Hi Ste, wassup man?"
"Mate! m cool, wassup with ya?"
"Can I ask ya something?"
"Sure man, anything but bout how to get women for a date. Hehe! Jus kiddin' man!"
"Were you on leave last week, the day the security breach occurred?"
"No man I was very much there, but in the front office. Mitch sent me there for some work. Why do ya ask?"
"Nothing specific, jus asked."
"Ok"
"Hey man, something jus came up, i guess ill leave."
"Alright man, cya!"
"Cya!"

So my suspicion was so true. I got you fucker. I got you bitch, Mitch.

"Sir, its Mitch who is behind all this."
"Behind all what?"
"The Chinese goods which were smuggled and brought into the industry."
"What the heck? There are illegal stuff being smuggled into the company and you tell me now?"
"Sir, you reported to me and asked me to investigate on how this illegal stuff was smuggled in."
" What the hell are you talking about? I don't report to you. I am your superior, and you report to me."
"So that is what i am doing here, giving you the report."
"Report about what Ocean?"
"The smuggled shit you asshole."
"What the....mind your tongue you pervert."
"Oh ya! Ill rip your tongue apart then."

Wham! Whoosh! Thud!

I knocked my boss off his desk, only to find a hooker, under the desk with her mouth full of white cream and my bastard boss without his pants.

"Such a pervert."

Buzzz!!!!

A loud ring interrupted my whole state of mind. It was the alarm clock. I was dreaming the whole time. It was one helluva dream. All about perceptive reality. I perceived and so it was there.

The Addiction

2008-03-28T22:09:00.002+05:30

I have always been addicted to things all my life, and it was hard to get out of it. It was hard when i knew i was addicted. I never knew i was addicted. I was naive then and it didn't seem too hard then.

Its like a drug. A very addictive one. It was like an early attraction towards it. Then came the hunger of wanting more of it. It was slow but everyday was filled with a feeling of taking a dose of it. It overshadowed my feelings to the outside world. It was like a blanket. I went into a subdued state of mind. Things seemed so paranormal to me. I couldn't read things around, couldn't judge what they were expecting of me, couldn't react to certain circumstances and was experiencing an unstable state of mind and thought. Life seemed eternally regressive and too difficult to move on.

Then a day came when things took a different turn. The addiction slowly faded away, but there grew a sense of attachment to it. It seemed much more friendly to me. The relation seemed to have reached a stable state, but my heart never listened to my mind. It had a mind of its own. Days passed and the depth of a feeling increased with time. The addiction phase seemed to have hit again. This time it was too much to take. I neither could live without it nor i could live with it. It was too complex a feeling. I finally decided to submit myself before it. I wanted to confess my addiction, my obsession, the object of my affection. I waited for the right moment. It came but the very dazed and confused man messed it up again. I could never make a proper confession, a proper proposal.

The message was conveyed though. I had answers to all my questions The answers i got, hit me like massive shards of molten rock falling on a stark naked body. I felt excruciating pain. I would sit and cry endlessly, spend sleepless nights staring at the ceiling endlessly, until my gaze looked for itself in an inky black sea of sadness. I came out of this episode with damage done enough, which made me learn my lessons. I was a quick learner, but i never learnt to conquer my addictions. They were still at large, waiting for me to fall prey to their beautiful and mesmerizing traps. There was still a lot left in my head. It had controlled me always. Now i wanted to control it, but the endeavour was filled with trivial hindrances which seemed like they can manipulate my every move.

The only way i could get out of this addiction was to get addicted to another. It happened the same way as i had feared. I saw it coming but couldn't stop it for, it was like a juggernaut rolling down the incline. I stumbled me and i fell too deep into a cavity that seemed to have a false floor. Its weak and was crumbling. The floor was my strength to resist the drug. The very foundation of the floor started to crumble under its own weight. This was something which was never predicted or foreseen to have happened. Its a phase of mixed emotions. The game of heart and mind and their conflicts. I am stuck in the middle of a battle. A battle of my so addictive life. A battle to get out clean.

One question still remained unanswered. Will there be a day when i don't have to submit to my addiction and resist it forever? Well, the answer lies within me, but i am yet to unravel it.

Sometimes i feel so...

2008-02-20T23:10:00.004+05:30

Sometimes you feel, out there someone hates you or perhaps loves you but you do not know for certain who that person is. But sometimes I am being hated, maybe may not be. Maybe because i bugged them, maybe because i tried to act as if i was in deep shit and trying to be rude at them, maybe because i didn't care bout them when i was happy and enjoying myself, maybe because i was having fun with someone they can't stand and maybe i didn't tell them about it, maybe i told them the truth. I was ignored for, what i did was not wrong. I wouldn't have expected certain things to happen. You wouldn't find me guilty for that. So you can't blame me.

Sometimes people don't return calls, don't reply to msgs, talk in a different tone as if they want us to realise our mistakes which we haven't made. Why can't some people understand others difficult phases? Why can't they understand that others can sometimes be in a helpless situation and wouldn't just be giving a lame excuse to avoid them. If only people could sit and think, relations would never be strained. They have to realise that there are certain limits and boundaries and once they are crossed by either, they have to communicate otherwise it would lead to a lot of distortion.

Sometimes my feelings were never reciprocated, i was never understood. I was never cared. They tried to create a riff. They were naive. They never understood what a relationship was. They thought they always did because they always thought they knew everything. They were ignorant. One person did understand me. There was a mutual understanding, just like two people in a relation would have. But it faded with time and again its amplitude was multiplied. It was like a sine curve. But now it reached a point of saturation where in we would never misunderstand each other again. We would know if something was wrong with each other. We are now important to each other.

I sometimes feel i am not important. But i guess "its nice to be important but its more important to be nice". This makes me not to hate anyone. Love thy enemy. But sometimes hate makes you get over certain things. It makes you feel relaxed and it might be pleasurable. I would be a hedonist then but this is certainly a part of life. There is always a very thin line between Love and Hate. To cross this thin line to go to the either side needs a lot of thinking. Many prefer to stay here. I am one such person. I might not be able to love any other person again because i got nothing when i loved with all my heart. Why should i love again? This is an opportunist who wants something out of everything.

For everything you love you will get back the love someday. It will not be long till you will find what you have been looking for. This is an optimist who lives life positively. I might be hated and cursed and found guilty for what i have done. I know that what i have done is not wrong so i believe i have to right to oppose. I am sorry for all the bad i have ever done. I confess.....

Conversations with the alter ego

2007-11-08T21:19:00.000+05:30

"Don't give into this suffering. You have got to survive this exam. You cannot fail me".
"Man, its over. Its fuckin' over. Its outta my hands".
"Its not yet over. Think about the spaces. Fill em' up".
"What about them? They don't make sense."
"Focus my friend, Focus."
"Hell with your focus, all i can think is my dad's face red, filled with fury, ready to punish me for screwin' up the fuckin' exam".
"Do not be afraid for, the fear inside you will consume you. Its all about Perception. Its all about the way you look at things."
"Don't fuck with me man. What the fuck do ya want?"
"Calm down your nerves man. I was you until i knew i was the man who could rewrite the pages of history. I could have never been the man i am now if i weren't like you and if i wouldn't have realised the real me."
"So, what do you want me to do now?"
"Giving up is easy, but the pain you'll face after you start regretting things will be like a poison spreading the damage. Don't give it up.
"Listen man, I am trying to fight this losing battle. I aint gonna make it. I know nothing."
"Its better than not knowing anything."
"What's the fucking difference?"
"The Difference is in the word "knowing. The word you have use to describe your state of mind. You have the answer to your problem with you."
"I don't know what you are talking man, all i know now is if i don't do something rite now, i am gonna flunk and my life's gonna be miserable after that."
"That is exactly what i am trying to say"
"You were?"
"Yes"
"Fine now tell me what to do?"
"Ok now just relax, take a deep breath, and analyse the questions you have to attempt. Do not think that you cannot answer any. I repeat DO NOT think so."
"Alright, alright.....yea m looking at em' and hey i found one looking very similar, i mean i think i've read this one before."
"That's great! Just keep doing it and better do it fast. Do not slow down at any moment."
"Fine Fine! Yea man.....i told you i was sure bout this one....i got one baby!"
"You bet! On the road to a realisation."
"What?? Another of your very philosophical inclinations towards life??"
"It takes time for you to understand this"
"Yea Yea! The whole I-know-it-all kinda talk"
"You are trying to indulge yourself into a matter of unnecessary argument that is going to give you nothing."
"Relax mate! Alright so...i keep analysing and then thinking and try to attempt....right??"
"Right!"
"Alright!"

Sometimes alter egos help you get out of serious trouble you've got yourself into. We all have em' in us. Some realise, some don't, some perceive, some don't. So its all about do's and don'ts. When you have to face fear, aggression, anger, love, loath or any emotion, its about how you face it.

"Dood! You there??"
"I am very much here."
"I feel good now. I am able to attempt the answers. I can't believe i just got myself out from a blackout. I am happy i could do it."
"Its all about perception. You have perceived the answers and so they were there. You will find it to be surprising now but when you master the art of perception then you will feel that everything which exists was once imagined and everything which is going to spawned into existence is an imagination. Its the result of perception. Its about perceptive reality."
"Yea yea i get it.....perceptive reality. Ill someday find answers to all these man."
"I am sure you will."
"Btw, who are ya??"
"I am you thirty five years from now. I am you who has lived the most out of life. I am your future, the one who has changed you now, who has taught you to be more optimistic and to perceive things in a different productive way."
"You are??"
"Yes, I am."
"Are you my, something like the alter ego??"
"Yes, something very much like it. Infact, you can call me that."
"So, theoretically, i helped myself."
"Yes, absolutely."
"Holy shit man, this is crazy. How can you be me and help me?"
"It is so because it is that way. Realisation comes late, but when it comes it answers all your questions."
"Yea, rite! I guess ill have to get some sleep. Anyway thanks for the exam thing man."
"Thank yourself!"
"Yea Yea rite!"
"Its time to leave. Remember what i taught, because your future depends on your present."
"Yes master! Adieu!"

Can this really happen? I mean can your true inner self really help you change especially in that most gruelling of times you can ever be in? If it can, then the good news is we got people beaming with positivity. Otherwise, the bad news is we'll be the same as we were.

She-in my life

2007-11-06T22:23:00.000+05:30

I always wondered if i would ever fall for a woman. I wondered how the feeling would be when you look at a girl and feel this certain "chemical reaction". I mean, you look at many women daily and out of them you would probably find a certain percentage of them pretty good looking and probably would notice one really good looking woman whos got this certain gravity material in her. You instantly fall for her. It happens with most of the men around. I am not sure about the nerds and geeks. Just kidding! No offence gentlemen! It happened with me too. Many times. Infact, once in two months. The time was actually estimated from my calculations, considering the women who have managed to exceed my gravitational pull and i got attracted towards them. I was helpless. Do you remember the date, when you had your first crush? The date here i meant was the day when you realised you have a crush on that person. I remember. I remember the date. Well, it was a day to remember. Infact, all the people in this world will surely remember that day. It also happens to be the birthday of Mahatma Gandhi. I loved the timing. Hehe!

Coming to the more recent ones, the one which ill always used to ponder upon as to why am i so goddamn attracted to this female baap. I mean, why this one. I found the answer. I just realised its something much more. Well, the story is a plethora of the most beautiful emotions i could have ever experienced.

She was descending down the stairs when i saw her for the first time. She wore a white dress. She was talking to another guy, who happens to be my very close friend now and also the guy whom i befriended when i started my undergrad. I looked at her from behind first and then moved past her and then turned back while i was getting down just because that guy called me. I was stunned. I couldn't see anything else. I mean i actually could but mentally couldn't connect with anything else. I gave another glance. Ohhh! There is a god......i thought. She smiled(not at me re) and i went crazy for a moment. If only i could make her smile once again......i thought.

I was always a shy guy when it came to making new friends or meeting new people. It was she who made the first move. I mean, i least expected her to even trying to communicate with me. Probably there was a reason. Its kinda tough to actually gather all the moments at one go and blog about them. Its been a long time since things have happened.

I move past her closely smelling her hair and then its like scooby doo floating in the air when it smells scooby snacks. Well, i guess it was metaphorically inappropriate but since i am not able to think of some really museum style metaphors, i hope the readers have vividly understood what i exactly wanted to convey. She smells like the fresh morning breeze caressing with a touch as soft as a feather.

I still remember the day when i first touched her. I went and told my friend, "mama today touchings". And then in the usual lingo he replied, "chal saale party de". Hehe!

She looks more cute when she ties some amount of the hair backward and the rest flowing down. I love it when the breeze keeps blowing her hair strands falling on the face, and she pulling them back. I love the way she pulls them back.

When messaging....
"Hi silly sup?"
"Hey sweetie, nothing much hea...sup wid ya?
"Nothing re was getting bored....so what were you doing?"
"I was watching movie re"
"Which one?"
"Artificial Intelligence....sexxy movie ra"
"Hmmm...hey gtg ill msg u after dinner"
"Ok le...Bye"
And click! no msg after that....it happens everytime....actually everytime i least expect her to msg or give a call. Infact, when m engrossed into my work. Is that giving me a sign as to "hey think about her everytime?" Lol!
"Ne moham"
"Oii"
"Na ishtam emaina anta"
"Chuskunta ninnu"
"Po ra po"
"Pichi fellow"
"Galeez fellow"
"Padko gamuna"
"I am bored, say something na"
"Chi non-veg....yack!" - These are some words she often texts during msgin.

I remember the day when she was looking so gorgeous and i could only say this "immaculately angelic". That was the day when i had to face many truths. Truths about certain things etc etc.. She had lovely black eyes and puts "kajal" to them making them look more lovely. I like the way she walks. She has an awesome voice....dude!! she is a singer.

There is much more but......they will just stay with me in my heart...all those moments...all those times which we have spent....laughed....had an emotional talk....helped each other when we were down.....always being there for each other. I will always be there......always...

P.S: Don't ask me the details of the female i mentioned above....will only be revealed if the author wishes to. Please do not assume anything either.....your assumptions will be 100% wrong...i can bet on this!

Awakening the self - Day 48

2007-08-27T23:33:00.000+05:30

Well, the events in his life are taking place very slowly. He's been waiting for things to happen. Life's being very uneventful lately. Probably that's the reason he is now decided to unmask his identity. There is no point in hiding oneself from anything that doesn't physically or mentally affects ones identity.

I am a fictional character created based on true events which have been witnessed by the author and in no other way relate to the author. The author tried to project his viewpoint regarding the things that has happened to people close to him, through me. I have no name, no family, just the memories that have been given to me by my creator who wishes to end this because of the reason he has stated in my view, or rather what i feel the possible reason is.

The writer tried to project all the events as if they were happening to one person. He tried to project the growth and behaviour of the responses of the person regarding the particular events. The reason behind the end is to show that perhaps there might not be any more eventful days ahead or may be there will, but the fictional character i.e, me, he created will have the efficiency to deal with it himself or rather the author doesn't need a fictional character to project his say on certain issues or events.

It Ends Tonight...

As the wachowski brothers rightly said - "Everything that has a beginning has an end". I woke up...and its over now.

Awakening the self - Day 24

2007-08-03T18:20:00.000+05:30

There was whole new feeling surrounding him. He felt more happy today. He looked at her in the morning. She was descending down the stairs and suddenly he felt there was something missing today. She wasn't the one he always used to see and admire. She wasn't the one she always used to be. Those lovely eyes bright and vibrant, that pretty face as fresh as the morning dew, that jingle in her laugh and that beautiful smile with lit her face and made her look more beautiful and radiant, with that smile she says, "hello" to him. Everything was missing. He was depressed and thought if it was his mistake. She might have felt bad for what he had talked to her. Maybe she felt dejected. Many thoughts running in his mind, finally he made up his mind to talk to her about this. She didn't tell him what happened. She was hiding the truth from him. He felt bad, he felt that she didn't treat him as her close friend. He wanted to get close to her but she....maybe she doesn't want anything like that. He knew something was wrong. He thought and said to himself, "I wish i could tell you how much i care for you sweetie. You have become an important part of my life. My day is filled with lifelessness if i didn't see you. I wish i could tell you that someone out there loves you more than anything else and accepts you for who you are. That somebody's me." He doesn't care what others say about her. But he decides to guide her, help her and make her proud of having him as her pillar of strength. He thought to give it some time and wait for things to come his way. He didn't want to rush and he didn't want to lose. Things didn't seem easy and not too hard either. Love makes you grow stronger and gives you the strength to achieve anything. He had to realise this strength. Maybe she will fall for him someday. He hopes its not too far. He hopes......

Awakening the self - Day 12

2007-07-19T22:05:00.000+05:30

All these days, there were no significant happenings to record notable changes in his behaviour. But he showed his ability to defend. He started to go through mood swings. His obsessions were deceiving him. He liked her for a moment but then the next moment he didn't. In his path lay a hundred hurdles, nevertheless he decided to never give up. "You must know how to steal a woman from her man", his friend said trying to help him by filling his blood with a vengeance. He was true. But the fact remains that if she isn't yours, she never was. He thought maybe it time he talked about everything to her but was afraid to lose her because he might if he will say so. He had this feeling in him that he couldn't hide. He wished he would be her lover someday. He wished that someday she would be his. His only weakness was "she" now.

He wanted to talk about everything in his heart to someone he trusted in. He knew it could be only one person. He thought and the randomness made sense. Why would anyone while away his ability to do certain things, which might seem as an exception? Is that person fit to be someone who can take care of his life and the person he loves? Why do still some people love such people? Why can't they distinguish between the right and the wrong? Why does the person whom you love so much doesn't love you back? Maybe, relatively speaking, "Love is something which you give to someone". Let love find you that's because it is called 'falling in love'. He knew what he felt for her. He listened to his heart. His mind always contradicted his heart. He had to choose one guide. He chose to follow his heart. "To hell with everything and everyone on this planet. To quit is to lose the battle of life". But the biggest battle of life is life itself. He relied his decision upon his talk with his friend whom he trusted in. His talk will decide his destiny............

Awakening the self - Day 1

2007-07-10T20:29:00.000+05:30

*************************************************************************************
Note from the author : The events and incidents specified in this work of fiction, might seem to correlate to certain specific incidents the readers might come across. Any resemblance, is purely coincidental.
*************************************************************************************

The Thought

He looked at his watch. It read 19:49. He said to himself, "It's time". Thoughts in his mind were racing. He was recollecting everything, all those days, all those moments when he felt the world was too harsh on him. He wanted to strike back but he was unable to. He felt he was weak. He looked up in the sky and said to himself, "help me", in a hope that "he" would save him. He decided it was the time. It was high time he acted accordingly to the concerned situation. He was finally affirmative of his decision. The firmness and the determination he showed surpassed the depth in the feeling he ever showed before. He said to himself, "All my life i was bullied and was laughed at. The ones i thought were my good friends used me to entertain themselves. Everywhere and Every time, people were looking for a reason to make fun of me. Very few became my best friends. I shared everything with them. The others had to be taught a lesson. The metamorphosis has started to occur, moulding him.

The Change

He planned everything accordingly. He made his daily schedule. He decided what he had to do and what not, where, how and when. He wanted this to be flawless. It started........
Someone once said - Everything that has a beginning, has an end. This beginning will begin another. For, nothing was supposed to end. It will not........

Movies And Music

2007-07-07T12:24:00.000+05:30

Movies are something that i am really passionate about. Honestly, I must have seen more than 200 English movies. There were many times when i just used to sit on the couch munching chips or just having burgers i used to eat from this bakery near my house, and watching movies and movies and movies.....The marathon in fact, started during my 8th exams. From then on HBO and Star Movies - the only two things in my life. I used follow a lot of sports although. And one more thing, the burgers i used to eat from this bakery were awesome. Only Rs 22 chicken burger with extra cheese. I know it didn't sound funny.

Like i said movies became my passion from 8th standard onwards. I have also set another record - 50 movies in one month (May 24th to June 24th). My computer has become damn slow because of the no.of movies i have on my PC. 80GB hard disc and barely 3GB is free. Hell ya. 71 movies on the hard disk people. Well this is very miniscule, compared to my friend's collections. My favourite actors have changed from movies to movies. I thought John Travolta was god when i saw Broken Arrow. Then Tom Hanks, when i saw Forrest Gump. Then Nicolas Cage, when i saw Ghost Rider, National Treasure and Lord Of War. My current fav is too hard to say. Actresses are many infact i like all of em' (except for julia roberts, susan sarandon,
and all the oldies) . My friend once said - "Dood, V-Rod is like Demi Moore. Its always hot". Demi Moore was my goddess until Keira Knightley cast her spell on me. Every movie i which she acted she was more than a beauty. She was a greek goddess, a heavenly body who landed on earth. Lol Lol !. Bah! ok re. The movie i liked the most, ever was Fight Club and Forrest Gump also.

My dad was a big fan of Boney M and Elvis Presley. He had this collection of songs from George Michael, Bonety M, Elvis Presley, Lionel Ritchie, Ray Charles. Nope he didn't like heavy metal. He still says, "Mad people, don't have any other work". Lol! Lol!. Lite!. I started listening to George Michael and started off with pop music. I was in 7th standard then. Then the Backstreet Boys, Westlife, Enrique Iglesias. There was nothing except these. I never listened to other genres of music. Then came Linkin Park. 9th and 10th, It was only Linkin Park. I was crazy bout the band. Hybrid Theory and Meteora were the best albums i listened to, in my life, then. I also was very much fascinated by Evanescence - the gothic rock band. I don't remember the day exactly, it was sometime in 2006 November or may be December. I was getting bored and thinking of what to do. Then i was browsing through my friend's CD. It had Heavy Metal songs. I played one of them. It was "Phantom Of The Opera" by Iron Maiden. After i listened to the song, i was like, "Man this is the real stuff dood". From then on, I became the biggest fan of Iron Maiden. My fav Band- "Iron Maiden". My fav song- "Hard to choose. Ummm, Dance Of Death". The friend i mentioned above was Vatsal. Then i started exploring the heavy metal stuff and also went into classic rock and altern rock. Megadeth, Metallica, Scorpions, Rammstein. Still have to listen to a lot. I also listen to a lot of Pop. Coz, no one can forget their first love.

So this was about my two great passions of life.

Must Check Out : "Insomaniac" By Enrique Iglesias.
Lovely lovable collection of songs filled with love.

The Loner

2007-06-28T22:04:00.000+05:30

First class of machine drawing. 27th June, 2007. No work to do and was getting bored sitting idle. I started scribbling on a paper and then gradually thought of something interesting to pen down. I didn't find another piece of paper so i started writing on the back cover page of my syllabus book.

The Loner

Sometimes you walk on lonely road, nobody with you, the journey might seem endless. If the loneliness is accompanied by darkness, the journey seems more terrifying. Have you ever had the feeling that someone is following you in the dead of the night, with you walking along an empty street, with the cold breeze hushing through the bushes making the situation more chiller?? Are you afraid of the dark?? Darkness, Death, Fear, the words which bring in the first thing to anyone's mind - Terror. Everyone must have experienced these feelings of being haunted or stalked. You must have heard about stalkers. They stalk you you because of their obsession towards you. When love turns into obsession, nothing can stop the diseased. There is no bigger and threating disease than Fear. Your fear becomes the other person's strength. Fear consumes you from within. It makes you mentally weak and gradually physically weak. When you are pitted against your worst enemy, fear can ruin you. To overcome fear you must fight from within. How can you know your strength when you have never been in a fight. Now you have your opponent - Fear. Fight it. Fear is the only biggest fear that one must fear. There might be many practical, medical, theoretical and supernatural reasons for you to be afraid. Fear has many forms. But have you seen the dark side of fear?? A feeling that you are alone is the source of fear within you. When you are alone in the dark, as depicted by many people in films, T.V, newspapers, are very likely to think of supernatural or paranormal stuff. Its completely the game of mind. You can confuse yourself, you can confuse what you see, you can confuse the so called "ghoul". The mind is the most powerful weapon one can ever posses. It can bring down a governments, it can destroy countries, it can destroy oneself from within. To control the mind is the most difficult part, considering its vulnerability towards certain or particular situations. Its upto you to fight the loner within you who is twisted by the whims of fear. But the question is - Can You??

Randomness

2007-06-18T13:23:00.000+05:30

11:00 am, monday, june 18.

I was standing at the bus stop waiting for the bus, obviously. Well, there might not seem to be any obviousness about this but to be precise, i was waiting for the bus. Well, it doesn't matter if i was waiting for the bus or not. 49 has a minimal frequency during the noon, so it was a long wait. Mind was wavering, random thoughts in mind, and i suddenly smell this nice perfume. No clue from where it came. Then i felt like i was somewhere else, but was actually at the bus stop. The smell reminded me of something, a place, no actually it was a theatre, and i was among the audience and i happened to look at this attractive young woman and suddenly i am at the bus stop again. I looked around me, everywhere around me and where i was, was at the bus stop. It took sometime to gather my thoughts. It never happened before, may be it happened but it never was like this. Usually such a transition could be forced but this spontaneity was unobserved before. Well, i thought this could be some message or some psychic ability of mine.....lol! But it didn't make any sense. It was like i woke up from a dream for, the transition looked like something superficial. This might seem fictitious but sometimes it really does happen this way. Well that was quite a randomness.

The Internal Affair!

2007-02-07T19:57:00.000+05:30

Ah! finally relieved of the quantized variation of internals. CPNM - i screwed it up real bad. The rest were pretty well. There have been some observable changes in the mutation levels before the event but the during the duration of the process my cool was on a high. I never been as cool before. I realised one thing - Keep it cool!! The effectiveness of my coolness was unable to convect from me to others upto the expectation but in the due course of time they will learn. Everything in this world is quantized even the variation in your inner self. It is this variation that causes the ceasing of the existance of panic and hysteria before the exams. But you need to cope up with this fear. My very objective to write this piece is to convey to all my fellow students that examination is a state of anxiety and many not knowing that stress levels can be made to zero are in a fix. Last minute cramming will not help you. It will never, but only in a rare probability you will be saved like i was for my english exam. I learnt only those answers which were asked in the exam. Call this luck? I call this God's on my side. There is no such thing as luck or chance. Everything is a choice. The very choices you make determine the result. And God is on their side who live their life by choice. If you think the choice you made is wrong, think again. You might be able to very well derive the equation of possible probable effective results out of it. Many dont do it this way, that is why variations occur. Try to change the variations and you shall see the result because CHANGE IS THE ONLY CONSTANT THING IN LIFE.

note : If the reader has understood the very subtleties of this blog then please tell me what i wrote.........LOL!!!!!!!!!

A Man Apart - Part 1

2006-10-11T20:49:00.000+05:30

My name is John Quinn. Listen carefully to what i say because i don't repeat my words. I said u my name, that's the "who", "where" would probably be a prison cell, i managed to get a pen and few papers to tell u something about me and the things which happened to me a month back. Thats also the "what". I am here because i was destined to end up here, which answers the "why". I am a cop. I used to work for the L.A.P.D. The usage of past tense in the above sentence would be signified by the incidents I am going to specify.

I used to live in Los Angeles when i was working for the LAPD. I was sent undercover on a case. I moved to New York with my girlfriend Lisa Parker. I knew that it was a dangerous case. It was December 17th 2004, i got a call from Victor. Victor was the man who was supposed to hand the case-file to me. He was working for NYPD. We met at a local restro. I never saw victor but only heard of him. He handed me the case-file. It had to do something with a guy called Michael Mortati. He was responsible for a number of illegal activities in New York. I wondered why NYPD wanted me to solve this case. I thought Victor was enough for this. I was going through the file that night.

My first stop was at a Night Club. I had to get Roger Dawson. He was my key to get to Vinni Gognitti. Vinni was the right hand of Michael. The club was filled with drunkards and semi-nude pole dancers. I found him. He was flirting with a blonde aged about 18 to 20 yrs. One of his men seemed to recognise me and quickly alerted him. I realised, they knew it. They knew that i was in-charge. They were about 10 of them. They ran into a doorway. They had Desert eagles with them and 9mm pistols. Roger was with an MP5. They were also smuggling guns into the city, i thought. It was a long chase. I managed to get two of his men in the secret passage-way itself. I was with a Beretta. I picked up their guns. The passage-way led to a place completely unknown, never seen such a place before. It was a silent place with only the sounds of the gun fires of Roger and his men. I kept taking them out one by one. The winter night almost seemed endless. I was finally left out with Roger. It was a one on one chase. His bullet hit my arm cutting the skin very deeply. The trail was getting cold. I followed him to the same place where the chase began. It took me about 5 secs to realise that i was in the night club again. It was as if i was teleported to an unknown realm and brought back. It seemed unreal, but was happening. My sight was weakening, everything started to appear blurred. I could see Roger running away. Then, the last thing i remember was me falling on the floor.

I woke up in a room which seemed familiar, i was in my house. Lisa was there beside me, her face had a concerned look. I got up reluctantly, without realising the pain. I wanted to solve the case. I refused to give in. I had to get to Roger somehow. I got a weird call. He was talking about Roger and he being at a station. I thought may be it was a prank, but realised that me being here was unknown to anyone. So i went to the subway. I saw Rogers there. He wanted to talk to me. He was trying to blackmail me. He said that he would get "her" killed if i wouldn't accept his offer. My pistol trembled eagerly under my coat. It needed some work. But this time i thought let me work with my hands. A feud started and two other of his men joined in. I was a good fighter in high school as i won a junior boxing championship and a kick-boxing championship too. I let those bastards die in pain and ran behind Roger. I followed him in to the tunnel and then into a passage in it. I removed my pistol, trying to get an aim at him. After a couple of shots, i got him. I hit him on his leg. "Where is Vinni Gognitti?", i asked him. "He's already here, he's come to get you. You can never escape him", said Roger. Then, i finished him off with the rest of the bullets. All i could do is wait, wait for the death to come.

The night of the New York city had only begun. I went up to the city streets. After few moments, I could sense that he was here. Death walked the streets of the city tonight. Suddenly, a gunfire started. I realised it was from Vinni and his men. It was a chase again. I was tired with this cat n mouse chase. I wanted to put an end for this now. Out in the night my enemies went free. I had to get them, get them real bad. I was out of ammo, realisation struck me too late. I had to hide, hide from my death. My journey into the night was far from over. I tried to push on. I managed to get a pistol from one of "his" men. I said u i was a boxer. I started to take em' all one by one. The kill had to be properly planned with very few resources in my hand. Vinni seemed to be nowhere by the time i got all his men. He was gone....

I went home. Nothing has been solved yet. The answers i was after loomed large ahead. It was a long way for me. There was a silence in the house. "Lisa", i called out. She didnt answer. I called out again. She didnt answer. I found it suspicious. I saw her body lay lifeless on the bed and a pool of blood on the floor."No", i cried. That russian, how dare he touch her. He fuelled the flames of fury in my heart. Revenge was a shadow of my heart. I couldn't take care of her. I couldn't protect her. I wanted to avenge her death. "The bastard's gonna pay for it", i thought. I left the house. I handed the burial job to the house keeper for, i had some unfinished business to take care of.

I could hear the wail of sirens.....it was a constant echo in the night. I kept walking. I came across an old abandoned cottage. It was a big one. I could hear some loud noises and a familiar voice. I went in. The creaking sound of the door alerted them all. The voices had stopped. I sensed it to be Vinni in there. I loaded my beretta. Charged in. I was right. They were Vinni's men. He knew that i got him this time. Vengeance was a pain behind my eyes. A pain which i had to soothe with the blood of the killer of my love. His men couldn't do anything to me. I killed him. Without mercy. He revealed a truth which i didn't know, before dying. It was the work of Carlos Santino, an italian settled in NY. He killed Lisa. It didn't make any sense. Who is this Carlos guy and what did he have to do with Lisa. I couldn't differenciate between right and wrong. They were just hollow fictions. A fiction which i had to prove was a fact. A fact that my love was murdered by some infamous gangster. The truth that struck me was that which became my reason to fight. A reason i had to find out to solve this mystery. I left the place.

A Porsche Carrera stopped in front of my way. "John Quinn, how are you my friend?", asked a familiar voice. It was Richard Melton. The one whom i arrested for a homicide in L.A. He offered me help. It was an offer i coudn't refuse. He gave me the address of the shipping company of Michael. He said that it would be the next step towards reaching Michael. I must have greatly influenced his life, especially after that arrest. He changed. He dropped me off at the coast.

The locale was unlike other shipping coasts. It was looking deserted that night. Richard asked me to enter into an old ship docked near the coast. There was proof, for a large number of illegal activities of Michael, in that ship. I went in. I had limited ammo. I had to work like a sniper. My every step needed to be calculated. The ship was like a maze. I had so many doors leading to one another. I managed to kill few thugs in that process. This made way, where i needed to go. I went into the next level. The owner of the ship was an infamous killer named Jake. A scar-faced criminal. It was a game of death i was playing with him. The gun felt fused to my hand. It was as if i started to enjoy this job of killing people. I killed him too. I was tired. I took all the ammo i needed. The Ingrams, Mp5's, Shotguns, Sniper rifle and pistols. I left the ship.

Richard picked me up at the coast. My next stop.....i don't know. I got down at my apartment. The case was a rising nausea that tasted like rust in my mouth. My obsessions were making choices for me. The choices which decided which piece of the puzzle fell where. A puzzle that would solve this mystery. I started my work with Carlos Santino. Not under police records. Not under any illegal trades and no cases of any homicide or extortion. Nothing. Something was very wrong. There must be some record of this guy. "An Italian settled in NY" , that were the last words Vinni spoke. Where could i get info about him......the thought ended when the phone rang. The Vicissitudes were riddled with the whims of fate unknown by its certainity. It was a matter of Life and Death. There was more in store for me.......

to be continued.....