Life. Living it.

Silence is very scary. It being scary may just be an illusion of our minds. I can just listen to the sound of the keys, when i type in words. Nothing but it. It reminds me of a lot of things. Very random thoughts.

Life is so funny. You imagine things happening in your life with certain people in it, but then it gets amusing when those things happen with other people you already know. Life is not so complicated after all; it is we that make it so complicated. Troubles, problems, obstacles, hurdles are just like those 1-Ups and Bonuses we get in Video Games, to make us more stronger, mentally and physically. It is in the nature of things and life itself that we must fail, that difficulties should come, because then what is the whole point living a life.

I always wondered why i couldn't get things that I always wanted in life. There are two ways to get things that you want. One is that, work your ass off for it and you'll get it. The other is, just hope you get it. You're one lucky bugger if you get it. But what is the role of Luck here? How does one define Luck? Is it preparation + opportunity or just some fate scribbled on your forehead? Or does Luck even exist? Perhaps it does, somewhere in our minds. We think we're lucky if we almost missed getting hit by a speeding van, when crossing the road. Are we lucky or is it just a warning from somewhere to watch out when you cross the road, and not to watch other things.

Life is all about how you takes it. Life has nothing to offer. You have to make the most out of it. There must be a logical explanation for as to why something isn't a part of your life and that is very hard to explain. So, I guess it would better off not to know it but to just move on. Afterall, life has to go on. You cannot waste your energy on something that is not worthy enough. But is it the worth of things that we all look for or is it the thing alone that we look for? I guess it's relative to one another. What is a confectionery to one maybe shit to another. So don't bother about things that don't matter.

I never made a New Year resolution. It doesn't work.

Ten things I hate about myself that I’ll try to change this year.

1.) I’m a good liar.
2.) I’m not punctual and I'm very lazy.
3.) I complicate things in my life.
4.) I’m not street smart.
5.) I’m not book smart either.
6.) I don’t care about my German classes.
7.) I brood over my past.
8.) I have just a handful of friends who love hard rock or heavy metal.
9.) I cannot stay up late in the night or hangout until late in the night.
10.) I fall in love with the wrong, loser, lifeless, zero-passion, boring women.

They are just the top ten things on my list.

Random Ventings

I don’t seem to get the facts right. Perhaps, I am unable to digest the truth. I need to detach from material distractions and inhibitions. They are trying to consume me from within. I need a source to alleviate me from this impurity of thought, this poison of mankind, this uncouth feeling that has been haunting my day and my night. I need to get busy, get lost, get away, get a life, realize what is the right thing to do and absorb the fact literally that I am being consumed, from within, by my own fears and obsessions. My blood is turning black, my heart feels heavy, and it is unable to beat with this pressure that it is bearing. I think I need to work on my commandments. I need to prioritize my priorities. It’s been long I didn’t organize myself. I am losing direction in my life. I need to get back to track. I need to think, act and be more practical. I need to understand that bonds are just material, they will break. They aren’t like ionic bonds that need a lot of energy to break. Bonds indeed can break.

I don’t believe that life would get better in some aspects. Those aspects are bound to remain that way. All I can do is to change my perspective towards it. I need to change the way I look at things. Your life is based on your acts. Your friends would like you to be the one you are – good or bad. I believe I have true friends. Well, there are a few that I can count.

Kill the obsession, kill the pain, and kill the feeling, the bitter, evil truth that consumed you. I had committed many mistakes and sins. I had never confessed for any of my sins. Why shouldn’t I do it now? Why should I? Well, it’s hard to analyze your messy situation, which never straightened up. I am no different from thousands of others who have faced such music like me. They might have been brave or some might have succumbed to the situation and did something stupid. I belong to the former.

Hate. Hate is not a bad word. It is not so hateful. It is rather sometimes lovable for people like me. I need one good reason to detach, get away, liberate from this sinister obsession that almost would have ruined my life, if it was not for my very underdeveloped self-control. You feel the intensity of it, weakening your knees, when your purview is too small to handle the pressure. You tend to stumble upon your every move. I believe hate is in-fact a relative term. For instance, “I hate her, more than what you can possibly hate her”. It’s that way.

I feel things are very random in life. It’s your perception which makes them orderly or in a sequence, when you start believing things are happening the way they are supposed to. But, contrasting the above idea, I believe almost everything is practically under your control. It’s your choice what makes the difference and not some random chance you take. What really decides your fate is what you choose, but the question is, how precise can you be in making the choice?

The Liquor and the Cat

It was 29th October. He rushed home from college and was look forward to one of the best night-outs he would ever have. A thousand thoughts ran through his mind. It kept racing. He thought of many possible things to do. He is Mr.X. It doesn't matter who he is, only the story does.

He brought an educational film from his friend for the night out. He, being an impatient film lover just killed the surprise of the video and discovered that the movie was. It was Mira Nair's most controvesial film ever made. Ya, that's right. You're right. He was expecting some real education.

He wished the time ran faster. It was 7:30, when he looked at the wall clock. He said to himself, "What the frock? Still 7:30? Kya mama...kya hai yeh?" 

He started to fiddle with things around the house. He found nothing interesting in his room except for his lazy computer which growls when it starts and the obsolete visual display unit which flickers every 10 mins with red color patterns creating the exact effect of fireworks, illuminating the night sky of the very same day. What a doltish way of describing something which is already so stupid! He then progresses towards another room. He check out the cupboard first and finds something so majestic and magnificent that his eyes, for once were in a state of a dull lackluster life, suddenly sprang back to life, glowing brightly, vivified by the awesomeness of the object. It read, "Johnnie Walker Black Label Old Scotch Whiskey". There was another bottle which read, "Johnnie Walker Red Label". He had a peg each. He couldn't find much of a difference between the two but could distinguish the finesse in the taste. He closed them and hid them in the same place. 

He never knew why he had tasted them. He never knew if he was doing the right thing. He never knew what they would taste like, until he finally tasted it. All he knew that it was warm and bitter and smelt like spirit. For a moment he felt proud of himself because he tasted the finest scotch whisky which was the favourite one of Sir Winston Churchill. But he still hated him for no reason. What a misanthropist! 

8:15pm he reaches the nearest shopping mall and buys a shirt. He is shopping out of all the things in the world, at this time when he is being too much impatient. He bought it. His father doesn't like it. He's pissed and so is this guy. He looks at the wall clock again. It was 9:00 already. He finishes his dinner and leaves for his friend's house. He meets this equally raring friend and greets him. 

"Dude, I just sneaked into my father's cupboard and had a peg of black label."

"Bastard, and you tell me now? Hop on my bike, we are boozing tonight", said his friend Mr.Y.

Excitement grew in him. He was going to taste something that he has never tasted before. He was going to have Beer. They stop by a wine shop nearby and decide who is gonna ask for the beer. Both, equally naive, reckless students in their late teens finally decide who will ask. So this guy, the focus of the narration, asks the wine shop owner.

"Bhaiyya, Budweiser hai kya?"

"Haan! Kitne chahiye?"

"Chota wala hai kya? Kitne ka aata?"

"Chota wala 45 ka aayega aur bada wala 80 ka aayega."

"Theek hai, ek bada wala de do."

They have it in their hands now. The reason for all the enjoyment, the ponch, the hangover and the nascent adulthood. The World's favourite Beer. 

"Dude, let's put this in the boot space in your motoscooter."

"Okay dude."

"Dude, man arse is freezing. It's too cold."

"Just hang on for 20 mins dude."

They reach another friend's house, Mr. Z. They don't tell him that they bought booze. They ask him if they can drink(as if they are pros). He doesn't mind. They bring on the booze, refrigerate it and wait for it too taste it's best. They meanwhile, burst some crackers as it was post Diwali that day.

It's about 12:00am. They come back home, decide to get some biryani. They go to a certain Bar & Restaurant and take away some veg. and egg biryani. Mr. X is riding alongwith Mr. Z and Mr. Y is speeding alone. Suddenly a black cat comes out of nowhere and tries to cross the road. Reacting promptly to the situation, X applies both the front and rear brakes. The tyres screech along the road and he looks at the cat retracing back its path. The bike hits a stone on the road (it's big enough) and stumbles upon it. X doesn't see it coming because he was looking at the cat. All of it happens in a jiffy and wham! X and Z both are dragged on the road. 

X feels something wet on his face. The black cat was licking his face. Yes, the same one. Z is still unconscious. X shoos away the cat and tries to bring Z back to consciousness. Meanwhile, Y who sped and went miles further away from them returns back. X and Y try and bring back Z to consciousness. Thankfully, no major injuries occur and they treat the wounds with some first-aid available. The food was safe as it was with Y.

They arrange the dining area and start to eat. X opens the beer bottle and pours half-pint each. Y tastes it first, doesn't like it. X tastes it, doesn't like it either. But X finishes the glass bottoms up. He finishes the rest of the beer bottoms up again. X has a mild high. His high goes very soon. They then finish the rest of the nightout. No, they aren't gays. Nothing of that sort happens. 

The next day, although it's insignificant it becomes necessary to mention what happened to the liquor and the cat. X and Y leave for their respective homes. They drop off the bottle in a garbage can nearby. They see the same black cat, DEAD, on the road. It seemed like a carrier truck ran over it. So the Liquor killed the Cat. 

Moral of the Story: Don't Drive and Drink. It kills Cats. 

P.S. It's my comeback blog post. There were times when i fell asleep writing this.

Ocean Waters and the dirty Boss

Name: Ocean Waters
Location: Airbag Industries LLC, California, USA
Profession: Senior Stock Control Officer

25th January, 2007

Hi my name is Ocean Waters. My father was born to his parents when they went on a holiday to an island, hence the name Waters. My mother was born to her parents when they were cruising on the Atlantic, hence the name Ocean. Well, pretty unusual for a person who sits on an office desk gets his morning coffee and by the time he takes a sip gets cold and tastes like liquid shit. Well, blame the work load or the coffee maker.

A major security breach occurred two weeks ago. A cargo reportedly coming from Haiti was smuggled into the industry. They reportedly contained a Chinese drug. The drug is so lethal that it kills you if your heart rate drops. You need to keep pumping blood and keep doing rigorous stuff and expose yourself to adrenaline stimulating activities like danger, fear and foreplay. There is no antibiotic for it. You survive until you keep releasing adrenaline.

I wasn't there during the check up and have no clue as to how they sneaked that shit in. I was called by my in-charge and head. Such a motherf***** he was.

"Ocean, we got a security breach. I want you to look into this matter as it is a major concern for the company. It is you who has to be blamed for. I want the traitor, alive."
"Sir, but I wasn't there when they smuggled that stuff. I was away on official work so how can I be blamed for?"
"Hell with your official work. Who sent you out to do somebody else's work?"
"Mitch Baker sent me"
"Fuck Baker. I am your superior. You take orders from me not from some bitch like Mitch."
"But, sir"
"No more fucking around. You don't fuck with me now Ocean else you'll see yourself being dragged in a sewer pipe of 500 yards of shit. Now go and get me that motherf*****."
"Yes, Sir" Yes, you motherf*****.

I started the investigation. Well, I didn't know where to start. I went to strip clubs, walked empty streets, kept an eye on homes with a high resolution 400x telescope that can increase or decrease its field of view. I saw people making love, man beating wife, kids watching porn, teens kissing but not a sign of the crook. Then I realised, whom am i searching for? Then suddenly the room I was filled with a eerie surrounding. There was a strange aura filling the entire room. It was like the northern lights. I felt as if I was on a space odyssey. Then the room was filled with a strange smoky odour that was very familiar to what my grandma used to use when she went clubbin'. The door separating the living room and the dining area opened and the smoke rushed to take the shape of a woman. I was at a distance and it looked very hazy because of the smoke. The form sharpened and could see a really hot woman with good "twins". I couldn't see the face but I felt there was no firmness in the woman's body as I kept observing and moving forward. I realised that she wasn't a hot woman anymore. Just an old lady with nothing to lose, came back as if a prophecy was coming true. I guess she took the form of an oracle to predict the unforeseen.

"Oooceaaan!", she called out.
"How, how do you know my name?"
"That's because i washed your ass and your pants when you shitted in your pants. Your father beat the shit outta your ass for stealin his money from his wallet."
"What the.... Who are you?"
"Your Grandmother, you dork"
"Grandma, is that you?"
"No, its Elizabeth Bathory who came to castrate you. It is very much me you shit head."
"What are you doing here? You are supposed to be in heaven."
"I took leave for a day to help you solve the mystery. God wasn't allowing but I persuaded him that you cannot do it with your bird-brain."
"Grandma you are trying to offend me."
"Oh shut up, you puny little piece o' crap."
"Aaaarghh!"
"Yea Yea!"
"Alright, so where do I start from? I have no clue as to where to look for and what to look for."
"You never had any clues."
"Yea, so help me then."
"The thing for which you look for is right where you thought it could have never been. Think for the reasons. Ask yourself why you had to do this, why you had to do that or why you had to go there instead of somewhere there."
"I didn't get you"
"Alright just think."
"Ok I got it. So what should I think about?"
"About how to effectively please a woman sexually."
"Grandmaaaaa"
"Then what, you punk. Think why you had to be replaced with someone else? Think what was the need? Is it that it was only you who could do that work or there was some other reason. Think!"
"So you want me to start my investigation from my office?"
"Yes"
"Alright, thanks grandma."
"Anytime grandson. Gotta go, god's getting pissed off there is nobody to press his head. Cya!"
"Well, oh ok...cya!" God gets his head pressed also??

I went to the office and checked the records for the person on duty who replaced me. No official records. They were missing. Then something just struck me on the back of my head. It was Mitch. It was he who did all this. It was he who helped the goods from Haiti to get in here. He couldn't do it when I was there because the report goes to my boss directly.

"Ocean, wassup?"
"Nothing much Mitch. Sup with ya?"
"I thought you could help me with this package delivery thing. You know the streets well, don't ya? I want this to be delivered very fast and no one here knows as well as you do."
"Okay! but what about the check up here. The goods are going to arrive here anytime now."
"It's gonna take you an hour or two to get back. Less chance for a check up. I'll make some arrangement for that."
"Hey, where is Stephen? He knows the lanes too. Its he who taught me the basics."
"Well, um..he is on leave today man."
"Oh! I see. Alright cya then, once I deliver the package."
"Alright, cya."

I met Stephen and enquired of he was on leave that day.

"Hi Ste, wassup man?"
"Mate! m cool, wassup with ya?"
"Can I ask ya something?"
"Sure man, anything but bout how to get women for a date. Hehe! Jus kiddin' man!"
"Were you on leave last week, the day the security breach occurred?"
"No man I was very much there, but in the front office. Mitch sent me there for some work. Why do ya ask?"
"Nothing specific, jus asked."
"Ok"
"Hey man, something jus came up, i guess ill leave."
"Alright man, cya!"
"Cya!"

So my suspicion was so true. I got you fucker. I got you bitch, Mitch.

"Sir, its Mitch who is behind all this."
"Behind all what?"
"The Chinese goods which were smuggled and brought into the industry."
"What the heck? There are illegal stuff being smuggled into the company and you tell me now?"
"Sir, you reported to me and asked me to investigate on how this illegal stuff was smuggled in."
" What the hell are you talking about? I don't report to you. I am your superior, and you report to me."
"So that is what i am doing here, giving you the report."
"Report about what Ocean?"
"The smuggled shit you asshole."
"What the....mind your tongue you pervert."
"Oh ya! Ill rip your tongue apart then."

Wham! Whoosh! Thud!

I knocked my boss off his desk, only to find a hooker, under the desk with her mouth full of white cream and my bastard boss without his pants.

"Such a pervert."

Buzzz!!!!

A loud ring interrupted my whole state of mind. It was the alarm clock. I was dreaming the whole time. It was one helluva dream. All about perceptive reality. I perceived and so it was there.

The Addiction

I have always been addicted to things all my life, and it was hard to get out of it. It was hard when i knew i was addicted. I never knew i was addicted. I was naive then and it didn't seem too hard then.

Its like a drug. A very addictive one. It was like an early attraction towards it. Then came the hunger of wanting more of it. It was slow but everyday was filled with a feeling of taking a dose of it. It overshadowed my feelings to the outside world. It was like a blanket. I went into a subdued state of mind. Things seemed so paranormal to me. I couldn't read things around, couldn't judge what they were expecting of me, couldn't react to certain circumstances and was experiencing an unstable state of mind and thought. Life seemed eternally regressive and too difficult to move on.

Then a day came when things took a different turn. The addiction slowly faded away, but there grew a sense of attachment to it. It seemed much more friendly to me. The relation seemed to have reached a stable state, but my heart never listened to my mind. It had a mind of its own. Days passed and the depth of a feeling increased with time. The addiction phase seemed to have hit again. This time it was too much to take. I neither could live without it nor i could live with it. It was too complex a feeling. I finally decided to submit myself before it. I wanted to confess my addiction, my obsession, the object of my affection. I waited for the right moment. It came but the very dazed and confused man messed it up again. I could never make a proper confession, a proper proposal.

The message was conveyed though. I had answers to all my questions The answers i got, hit me like massive shards of molten rock falling on a stark naked body. I felt excruciating pain. I would sit and cry endlessly, spend sleepless nights staring at the ceiling endlessly, until my gaze looked for itself in an inky black sea of sadness. I came out of this episode with damage done enough, which made me learn my lessons. I was a quick learner, but i never learnt to conquer my addictions. They were still at large, waiting for me to fall prey to their beautiful and mesmerizing traps. There was still a lot left in my head. It had controlled me always. Now i wanted to control it, but the endeavour was filled with trivial hindrances which seemed like they can manipulate my every move.

The only way i could get out of this addiction was to get addicted to another. It happened the same way as i had feared. I saw it coming but couldn't stop it for, it was like a juggernaut rolling down the incline. I stumbled me and i fell too deep into a cavity that seemed to have a false floor. Its weak and was crumbling. The floor was my strength to resist the drug. The very foundation of the floor started to crumble under its own weight. This was something which was never predicted or foreseen to have happened. Its a phase of mixed emotions. The game of heart and mind and their conflicts. I am stuck in the middle of a battle. A battle of my so addictive life. A battle to get out clean.

One question still remained unanswered. Will there be a day when i don't have to submit to my addiction and resist it forever? Well, the answer lies within me, but i am yet to unravel it.

Sometimes i feel so...

Sometimes you feel, out there someone hates you or perhaps loves you but you do not know for certain who that person is. But sometimes I am being hated, maybe may not be. Maybe because i bugged them, maybe because i tried to act as if i was in deep shit and trying to be rude at them, maybe because i didn't care bout them when i was happy and enjoying myself, maybe because i was having fun with someone they can't stand and maybe i didn't tell them about it, maybe i told them the truth. I was ignored for, what i did was not wrong. I wouldn't have expected certain things to happen. You wouldn't find me guilty for that. So you can't blame me.

Sometimes people don't return calls, don't reply to msgs, talk in a different tone as if they want us to realise our mistakes which we haven't made. Why can't some people understand others difficult phases? Why can't they understand that others can sometimes be in a helpless situation and wouldn't just be giving a lame excuse to avoid them. If only people could sit and think, relations would never be strained. They have to realise that there are certain limits and boundaries and once they are crossed by either, they have to communicate otherwise it would lead to a lot of distortion.

Sometimes my feelings were never reciprocated, i was never understood. I was never cared. They tried to create a riff. They were naive. They never understood what a relationship was. They thought they always did because they always thought they knew everything. They were ignorant. One person did understand me. There was a mutual understanding, just like two people in a relation would have. But it faded with time and again its amplitude was multiplied. It was like a sine curve. But now it reached a point of saturation where in we would never misunderstand each other again. We would know if something was wrong with each other. We are now important to each other.

I sometimes feel i am not important. But i guess "its nice to be important but its more important to be nice". This makes me not to hate anyone. Love thy enemy. But sometimes hate makes you get over certain things. It makes you feel relaxed and it might be pleasurable. I would be a hedonist then but this is certainly a part of life. There is always a very thin line between Love and Hate. To cross this thin line to go to the either side needs a lot of thinking. Many prefer to stay here. I am one such person. I might not be able to love any other person again because i got nothing when i loved with all my heart. Why should i love again? This is an opportunist who wants something out of everything.

For everything you love you will get back the love someday. It will not be long till you will find what you have been looking for. This is an optimist who lives life positively. I might be hated and cursed and found guilty for what i have done. I know that what i have done is not wrong so i believe i have to right to oppose. I am sorry for all the bad i have ever done. I confess.....

Conversations with the alter ego

"Don't give into this suffering. You have got to survive this exam. You cannot fail me".
"Man, its over. Its fuckin' over. Its outta my hands".
"Its not yet over. Think about the spaces. Fill em' up".
"What about them? They don't make sense."
"Focus my friend, Focus."
"Hell with your focus, all i can think is my dad's face red, filled with fury, ready to punish me for screwin' up the fuckin' exam".
"Do not be afraid for, the fear inside you will consume you. Its all about Perception. Its all about the way you look at things."
"Don't fuck with me man. What the fuck do ya want?"
"Calm down your nerves man. I was you until i knew i was the man who could rewrite the pages of history. I could have never been the man i am now if i weren't like you and if i wouldn't have realised the real me."
"So, what do you want me to do now?"
"Giving up is easy, but the pain you'll face after you start regretting things will be like a poison spreading the damage. Don't give it up.
"Listen man, I am trying to fight this losing battle. I aint gonna make it. I know nothing."
"Its better than not knowing anything."
"What's the fucking difference?"
"The Difference is in the word "knowing. The word you have use to describe your state of mind. You have the answer to your problem with you."
"I don't know what you are talking man, all i know now is if i don't do something rite now, i am gonna flunk and my life's gonna be miserable after that."
"That is exactly what i am trying to say"
"You were?"
"Yes"
"Fine now tell me what to do?"
"Ok now just relax, take a deep breath, and analyse the questions you have to attempt. Do not think that you cannot answer any. I repeat DO NOT think so."
"Alright, alright.....yea m looking at em' and hey i found one looking very similar, i mean i think i've read this one before."
"That's great! Just keep doing it and better do it fast. Do not slow down at any moment."
"Fine Fine! Yea man.....i told you i was sure bout this one....i got one baby!"
"You bet! On the road to a realisation."
"What?? Another of your very philosophical inclinations towards life??"
"It takes time for you to understand this"
"Yea Yea! The whole I-know-it-all kinda talk"
"You are trying to indulge yourself into a matter of unnecessary argument that is going to give you nothing."
"Relax mate! Alright so...i keep analysing and then thinking and try to attempt....right??"
"Right!"
"Alright!"

Sometimes alter egos help you get out of serious trouble you've got yourself into. We all have em' in us. Some realise, some don't, some perceive, some don't. So its all about do's and don'ts. When you have to face fear, aggression, anger, love, loath or any emotion, its about how you face it.

"Dood! You there??"
"I am very much here."
"I feel good now. I am able to attempt the answers. I can't believe i just got myself out from a blackout. I am happy i could do it."
"Its all about perception. You have perceived the answers and so they were there. You will find it to be surprising now but when you master the art of perception then you will feel that everything which exists was once imagined and everything which is going to spawned into existence is an imagination. Its the result of perception. Its about perceptive reality."
"Yea yea i get it.....perceptive reality. Ill someday find answers to all these man."
"I am sure you will."
"Btw, who are ya??"
"I am you thirty five years from now. I am you who has lived the most out of life. I am your future, the one who has changed you now, who has taught you to be more optimistic and to perceive things in a different productive way."
"You are??"
"Yes, I am."
"Are you my, something like the alter ego??"
"Yes, something very much like it. Infact, you can call me that."
"So, theoretically, i helped myself."
"Yes, absolutely."
"Holy shit man, this is crazy. How can you be me and help me?"
"It is so because it is that way. Realisation comes late, but when it comes it answers all your questions."
"Yea, rite! I guess ill have to get some sleep. Anyway thanks for the exam thing man."
"Thank yourself!"
"Yea Yea rite!"
"Its time to leave. Remember what i taught, because your future depends on your present."
"Yes master! Adieu!"

Can this really happen? I mean can your true inner self really help you change especially in that most gruelling of times you can ever be in? If it can, then the good news is we got people beaming with positivity. Otherwise, the bad news is we'll be the same as we were.